You just met the old stubborn me. She is still within me, but she doesn’t rule my world anymore. Before I tell you how I shifted my victim state into taking full responsibility for my life, I want to tell you more about the girl I used to be.
That girl was searching for all the answers outside of herself. She never experienced real joy and inner happiness. She needed something to look forward to in order to feel happy. She felt euphoric when it actually appeared, but depression kicked in as soon as she realised there’s still something missing.
Can you guess how she dealt with depression? Well… she went for all the quick-fix things to mask the problems. She had a very bad relationship with food. She overate all the time. Everything. Fast food, pasta, sandwiches and chocolate. Oh, a lot of chocolate. Often as much as she found at home – all in one day.
She wasn’t satisfied with any relationship. She was very needy, very judgmental and afraid of other people’s opinions. She cried a lot. She was desperate. She didn’t know what to do with her life.
But not many people knew about her struggles. She worn the mask to make other people believe everything was perfect. She knew how to do this so well. However, anyone who took more time and look her deeply in the eyes, could see the sadness within her.
Her parents didn’t know how to help her, because she pushed all the people that sensed her sadness away. She didn’t know how to accept help. On the other hand, she begged for a saviour. She ended up finding that saviour within.Here is a story of how she set herself free.
When I was a child, I remember being scared of so many things. I grew up in a loving family, so I firstly didn’t understand why my memories of the childhood feel so heavy. Things that influenced me the most were the intense nightmares that would sometimes repeat for plenty of nights in a row. I was afraid to go to sleep and I often felt like someone was chasing me. I prayed a lot, every night. I prayed in my own way, having conversations with God and angels and that was my way of calming down.
When I was 13, I had a ski accident that resulted in a knee injury and 3 surgeries, which were my first big “be more responsible” kick. After that I found my comfort in writing. My favourite practice in time of struggle was to write a question to someone above, and then write an answer that would somehow just flow through me. I called that trusted listener above “Chaly” and sometimes I still use that name when I write something that feels like being channeled. The answers I got were always so profound that filled me up with a warm feeling like someone is actually there taking care of me. I was afraid to tell anyone about this practice, so I always burned what I wrote. I wish I didn’t – it would’ve been a nice set of memories.
In high school, I realized it was not that cool to believe in God and angels. I started to resent praying and by the end of high school I also stopped writing to my trusted listener. I lost myself in desires and ideas of how to properly fit in. All I wanted was to be popular and admired by others. This is where the stubborn me came to fully express herself. All the things you read above were my day-to-day life between age 18-23.
I wanted to achieve all the possible goals and by doing that I believed I’d finally prove to the world that I’m good enough. I started working in network marketing companies and earning good money. Everything I was doing felt so off, but I thought it must be because I’m not trying enough or because I don’t know how to appreciate things. There was a voice within me saying otherwise, however I didn’t know how to listen to it just yet.
I used to have (sometimes I still do) difficulty asking and allowing people to help me. I believed that I can do everything on my own… Moreover, I believed I’m here to help others, but I will be fine without any help. Again, my body forced me with extreme acute illnesses and disability to do things on my own and to learn to ask for help.
When I let people closer they pointed out that I’ve got myself in another trap: obsessive “healthy” lifestyle. Analysing everything I ate, predicting how every bite would influence my metabolism, knowing all the characteristics about food products and their effects on my body. I was obsessively avoiding anything that could harm me and was super hard on myself. In avoided social gatherings and ended up being very introverted to avoid people asking me why I don’t drink or eat certain food. My body couldn’t heal in that mindset. I was not moving anywhere.
Step by step, accompanied by a bunch of books, lots of journaling, the right people to guide me, and experiences life threw at me, I softened that aggression and replaced it with responsibility and compassion. I became aware of how I was treating my body, and now it was a time to find the right balance. However, the feeling that something was missing was still there! “How come?” you might ask. That’s exactly the question I was asking myself.
First thing that shook me and opened me up again for the possibility that there is a greater source looking after us, was an almost car accident. I had to admit to myself that someone saved me from crashing. It didn’t do the work to open me up for being receptive to energies quite yet, but it planted a seed.
I needed a chapter in Toronto, a bunch of extraordinary people and my 30-days video challenge (still on Youtube under the name Ordinary cookie) to see what was really going on within. I realised that the stubborn girl within me was craving for love. But not for outer love and validation like I always thought. No. She was loud and noisy and she wanted me to pay attention to my soul. She was there to guide me home. And I arrived. In February 2016.
After months of experiencing dark night of the soul and feeling unexplainable pain that was moving throughout my body, I realized I’m not living a life I’ve chosen for myself. It hit me that I was a prisoner of the ideas of who I should be. I had to come to the rock bottom to realize I’m the only person who will always be there for me and it’s my responsibility to choose happiness. It felt like I woke up. I started feeling my soul, my heart and the love I was carrying all the time within myself. All of a sudden I heard that voice again – that voice within me that was friendly, warm and calming. Nothing was ever the same.
I started a whole new chapter of my life. A chapter of caring more about how I feel than anything else. I realised I feel the best when I’m authentic, pure, childish and full of faith. I realised I feel awesome when I believe I’m always guided and supported. I realised I have an inner guiding system that is always telling me what to do, and I realised I feel the most joyful when I listen to it fully. From that point on, I care more about my happiness than I care about anything else. The results were incredible.
So here I am… In the chapter of my life called contribution. A huge part of my happiness is serving others and being able to share the love with the world. My wish is to be that person for others I wished I had when I was on my transformational journey.
After I’ve realized the simple “Happiness is a choice” I took full responsibility for my life. I moved to London, UK where I’ve started to work as nutritionist but soon realized I have more to offer. I’ve got a certificate for Advance Theta Healing practitioner, which opened me up again for my psychics gifts. Emotional healings quickly became my most powerful offering that spread mouth-to-mouth quicker than I imagined.
After 10 months in London, I decided to move back to Canada. I started in Toronto again, but soon realized that the mission for the next two year was not to settle down, but to explore, to gain new knowledge and experiences. I attended different conferences and workshops across the US and Canada and solo-traveled to many national parks. I built my business, while mainly traveling and moving around to different places. I’ve been fortunate to meet so many incredible souls on this journey, worked with incredible leaders, artists, actors and facilitated workshops in many places around the world.
For the past year I’ve settled in my native Slovenia, which offered me more time to integrate the knowledge and experiences, and to contribute to the world even more soulfully. I’m still here, committed to constant growth and learning, and I’m a student of life, for life!
I’m so grateful you choose to read my story! It means a lot to be able to share a part of myself with you.
My wish for you is to always have a courage to follow your heart and to find happiness and love you are searching for, right where they are – within.
Stay blessed and fully expressed!